i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
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It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
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At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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