he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
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I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
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I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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