Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
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We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
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The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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