now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
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If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
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I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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