I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
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You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
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It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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