the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
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Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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