Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im part way to drunk.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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