I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
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I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
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I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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