i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
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She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize