After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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