I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
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So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
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Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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