life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
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he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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