My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
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stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
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Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize