Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
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we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
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I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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