Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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