so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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