I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
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I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
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So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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