I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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