so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
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The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
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Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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