I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
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He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
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i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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