Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
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After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
whose ass print is on the piano?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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