hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize