Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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