took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
jump out the window naked night went bad
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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