So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
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you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
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we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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