Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
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can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
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Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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