You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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