The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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