dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
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I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
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DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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