Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
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Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
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Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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