So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
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was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
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You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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