I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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