I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
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i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
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He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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