Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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