Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
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I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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