I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
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I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
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Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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