Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
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Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
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ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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