the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
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the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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