I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize