I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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