Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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