Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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