my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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