She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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