And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
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I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
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Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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