Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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