I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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