Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
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By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
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As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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