i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
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like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
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Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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