Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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